Narwhalicorn
by AmenToTheMangaBible11
Summary: In which Sasuke spends the rest of his morning attempting to convince his girlfriend that no, Atlantis: The Lost Empire was not a legitimate source when it came to proving where narwhals lived and that unicorns did not, in fact, have a life cycle that resembled one of frogs. (A story inspired by my sister) AU


Read at your own risk... This was inspired by a conversation between my sister and me that took place this afternoon, and not a thing in here has been blown to greater proportions or added for entertainment. This is 100%, completely and utterly true (aside from the romantic aspects, because that's just... *shudders* ewwwwwww.) I just found it so irresistible to transform this into what you read below.

My sister is Hinata, and I, sadly, play the role of Sasuke. (Again, minus the romantic aspects!)

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. But I do totally troll my sister.

This is total crack fiction, one of my first that is a complete PWP here on the site. Yay!

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^^^^**Read at your own risk. Contains pointless crack-like entertainment and totally OOC** **characters!**^^^^

It was getting out of hand.

He desperately needed to do something.

Damage control! But everything was too far gone already...

Where the hell was Naruto when you needed him? A distraction would be more than appreciated at this moment.

"What about this one Sasuke?" He froze, his line of thought derailing and crashing into some unforeseen mountain, causing an avalanche, then a forest fire, and finally a plague of locusts to descend upon his last thread of sanity and chew the remains to shreds than burn the shreds and do a little mating dance on the ashes. He was being tortured.

_Dear God, please. Not another one!_

Sasuke swallowed hard, attempting to dislodge his heart from his throat and get it back in his chest. He gripped tighter to the flowery purple sheets underneath him and reached out to take the offending object from his doting girlfriend. He grit his teeth and refrained from holding it by the fuzzy blue fur that was sewn along it's head, though he did keep it a fair few inches from the rest of his being. "It's... It's um-Cute, Hinata. Very... Cute." Hinata smiled brightly at him and placed the small unicorn plushie back in line with the several others she'd unearthed from the stack of boxes piled towards the ceiling.

He discretely wiped his fingers off on the sheets of her bed.

_How many freakin' stuffed animals does she need?! _Dark eyes followed Hinata's movements as she pulled an even bigger unicorn from the bottom of the box she'd opened a minute ago. _Is that the last one? Please, be the last one. _Sasuke's thoughts grew desperate.

"This one's name is Franz! He's one of my favorites." Sasuke's left eye twitched. She reached over beside him and plucked the knife she'd used to open the box from where it was sitting between two of her other self-proclaimed 'favorites' and set Franz down beside his thigh. Hinata worked open another box, and immediately a multicolored unicorn with a sparkly purple horn was unearthed. "This is Bunbury, you should remember him though. He was a gift from you for Valentine's Day." Hinata nuzzled the nose of the stuffed toy with her own and giggled cutely. Sasuke resisted reaching out beside him for the knife.

His thoughts had officially turned for the worse. Again, plague of locusts anyone? Sasuke sighed.

Wasn't she aware that unicorns didn't even exist?

"What did you say?" Sasuke's smirk dropped instantly._ Oh shit, did I say that out loud? _He glanced up at Hinata, who was shoulder deep in yet another box of the evil little stuffed creatures, her mouth in a grim slash and her dark eyebrows knitted together in a mixture of confusion and anger.

Hinata glared at him, albeit it was a pathetic glare that resembled the look a spoiled puppy would give you if you forgot to put bacon grease on its dinner. Sasuke relaxed under her poor excuse to intimidate him and waved his hand at her like she was a child that needed to be chastised. "Relax Hinata, it's not like you honestly believe these things are real, right?" He picked up the atrocity- Franz -and turned it over in one hand, pointedly not looking at the silently fuming girl. He let a smirk slip onto his face.

"Of course I do!" Her voice was an octave higher than usual, not to mention breathy and squeaky. "They're real," Hinata said resolutely, her face the typical bright red complexion that she sported on a regular basis, although on this momentous occasion, it was from being upset rather than embarrassed. Sasuke sighed again, now he'd be forced to purchase yet _another _of the damn creatures just to make amends.

This was what he got for volunteering to help her unload her things for her dorm room on his day off from work.

"Listen, Hinata, I'm sorry okay?" Best to just get it over with before she decided he wouldn't be spending the night any time soon.

"No, it's not okay." She 'hmph'd' quietly and continued unpacking more of the useless bed decorations. Sasuke stood and came up behind her, placing a gentle kiss on her cheek and resting his hands on her hips.

"C'mon Hina, don't be like that. I didn't mean it..." He froze mid-sentence, his left eyes twitching when she brushed him off of her and dragged the box across the room and continued her work. Sasuke grit his teeth; playtime was over. "You aren't seriously pissed about this are you? Over the freakin' stuffed dolls?" He was aware his voice was growing in volume, but he'd given up on being gentle.

Hinata stalked back over to him, the top of her head not even reaching his shoulder, and jabbed her finger into his chest. "You insulted my collection!" Her voice was at the normal and appropriate speaking volume, but never had Sasuke heard her be so loud. Was she yelling at him? "Of course I'm p-pi-... Upset!" Making her way back over to her box, she pulled the final creature from its depths and Sasuke had to bite his tongue- nearly off -to keep his immediate comments to himself.

He looked at the pile of fluffy objects on her bed, then back to the thing she had in her hands. What the _hell _was that thing supposed to be?

"Um... Hinata?"

She snapped her head to the side and looked at him over her shoulder, her lips in a pout and her nose crinkled up. "_What_?"

Sasuke flinched at her tone, she'd never been so harsh. He'd have to do more than buy her something to make up for this. "Wh-What is that thing?"

"It's a unicorn," She said in a way that if he wasn't looking at the weird thing in her hands himself he'd have believed her.

"No, it's not, Hina. Those," Sasuke pointed to the rest of her collection, "Are unicorns. That," He approached her and pulled the _thing _from her grasp, "Is a freak of nature."

Sasuke put the creature up to his face and turned it slowly, scrutinizing its detail. The stuffy was rotund, practically a giant blue bubble, and was about three feet in diameter. There didn't seem to be any legs, just some little flap on the back that must have been meant to be some kind of tail, and a pair of puckered lips on the front. Giant green eyes stared back at him from underneath black eyebrows, of all things, and a couple of yellow spots were sewn into the fluffy blue exterior of the 'freak of nature.' A tiny little horn sat in the middle of its forehead. What the fuck _was_ this thing?!

Hinata piped up, "It is too a unicorn, it's just one that hasn't hit puberty yet!" Sasuke eyebrows shot to his hairline. Say wha?

His girlfriend jumped up and snatched it back from his hands, hugging it to her ample chest with a pout. "Hinata, what the hell are you talking about?" He'd become thoroughly confused by now.

She ran a delicate hand over the prepubescent unicorn's head, stroking the soft material. "His name is Stabby." Sasuke blanched. "And he's what I said. A young unicorn. He hasn't grown his legs yet."

"Hinata, I'm fairly certain that whatever the fuck that thing is does not grow legs!" A vein pulsed in his neck as he tried to restrain his urge to yell. She gave him a look that clearly said 'eat shit and die,' and he managed to snatch Stabby back from the young woman. She just put her hands on her hips and frowned, a few strands of her long hair falling from the loose ponytail on the back of her head.

"Unicorns are like frogs! They have a life cycle, idiot." Something in Sasuke's brain gave out, and he felt himself suddenly lose a few brain cells. He knew Hinata was smarter than this, she'd gotten into college with a freaking full-ride. Where did his sweet and intelligent girlfriend disappear to! "Stabby hasn't matured yet, so he still lives in Atlantis."

Something clicked in his head. "A narwhal?" She looked at him, confusion swimming in her opalescent eyes. "A narwhal! That's what you're talking about."

"Now you get it," Hinata replied, and Sasuke breathed a sigh of relief. She took him from his hands and set the stuffed narwhal on her bed. "He's still only a small narwhalicorn, but one day, when he gets his magical powers from the king, he'll grow his legs. Then he can leave Atlantis and join the rest of the unicorns on land." She grinned happily and turned away from her beau, intent on finishing her unpacking and decorating before lunch.

Sasuke fell to his knees and tugged at his hair, frustrated beyond belief. He would spend the rest of his morning attempting to convince his girlfriend that no, Atlantis: The Lost Empire was not a scientific source when it came to proving where narwhals lived and that unicorns did not, in fact, have a life cycle that resembled one of frogs.

He decided that she really really needed to get out more... And to stop watching kids cartoons by herself on Saturday nights.

. . . . . . . . .

End of this crackfic. I hope you found this look into my life mildly entertaining. Every day is pretty much like this at my house after all.

Love, AMB11!


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